Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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