i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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