Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
