I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
