sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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