I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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