so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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