Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
