why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
and i looked up. we had an audience...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
