I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
