He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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