I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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