his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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