I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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