Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
