what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
