i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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