Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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