The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
