I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
