I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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