You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My liver is preforming stress tests.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize