Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize