Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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