Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
