It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
