oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
