If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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