i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
