is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
