I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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