if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
