he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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