She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel great
I just peed on a car
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
