i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
