When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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