Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dick very happy bro
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
