He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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