he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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