Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am midnight drunk by noon
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
