Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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