I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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