Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
