Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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