i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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