In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
