so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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