'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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