did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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