My sheets look like a crime scene.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
