and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
sarcasm needs its own font
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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