Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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