you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
