I understand Curling. That high.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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