she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
