Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
