Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
