Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
