If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
