Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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