My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
