I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
