I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
