Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
