is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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