i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Randomize
