on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
